If you’re like me and you have young kids you think of their future often. You think about how to raise them and what can you do to ensure that they are good kids, make wise decisions and lead rather than follow the pack. About the role I can play in helping them have great self esteem, love God and basically become successful (however you define that) women. (unless you have little boys, of course)
So, lately I’ve been having some conversations with good friends who have young kids and we’ve been disagreeing on the importance of self expression. How far do you let your kids go with this? What is OK to let them do and what do you shut down? (See above pic) Here is an example. I can remember wearing camo fatigues to church on Christmas morning in the 6th grade. (This was NOT cool where I went to church) I had a 6 inch long rat tail in 1983 and was the first to wear parachute pants the same year. However, I didn’t even have to ask about the earring that I wanted to get because I was convinced and believed that my Dad REALLY would have ripped it out of my ear. So there were indeed boundaries. I couldn’t explain them to you. . .but I knew them.
And that statement –I couldn’t explain them to you. . .but I knew them– brings us to this conversation. I’m having trouble putting this into words but isn’t there an obvious limit to “self expression”? (See above pic) I mean when I grew up I read “Dress for Success”. It basically was a guide for what clothing would assist you in your journey towards success. I listened to sales tapes by Tom Hopkins that said if you wanted to be successful at sales then you couldn’t have any facial hair. Of course, times have changed. I mean I’m an EVP at a fairly good size company and I wear jeans and flip flops most days. However, if I’m meeting with a client that dresses nicer than that, I would certainly dress appropriate to their standards.
I just feel like more and more parents are afraid of stifling their kids self expression and I’m often baffled by it. Where does it stop? (See above pic) I mean, how refreshing is it to meet a kid who will look you in the eye and shake your hand with a firm grip and speak in an audible voice. I see high school graduates who work minimum wage jobs, have 5 piercings on their face and who knows where else, can’t keep their pants pulled up and speak very few intelligible words. They’re really nice kids but wonder why they don’t make more money? Well, at least they’re getting to express themselves.
Look around you. . . Would you not agree that people you consider successful in life (once again, however you define it) have some similar character traits? Maybe, as they grew up they took fewer liberties with their “self expression”?
Alright. . . I told you I was having trouble putting it into words. I’m officially old. I’m going to take my Metamucil and go lie on my heating pad.
Goodnight.
Somewhere there was a glitch in the parenting of kids like the one in the picture you posted. His boundaries were either too rigid or completely non existant. As a father, I contemplate where to draw the line with my little girl as well. Like you, I always just knew somehow where my parent’s would draw the line (it didn’t hurt that my dad was a Lt. Colonel and green beret in the ‘Nam). I did some crazy things; wore combat boots and tucked my jeans into them, wore suspenders, grew my hair long, shaved my head completely, gave my self a mohawk many times, went to punk rock shows, etc. I knew the boundaries though…no piercings, no tatoos.
This post ties into my current blog post in some ways. How does a kid maintain their individuality while also becoming a responsible adult? The presence of God is essential. Good parenting is paramount. I had a curfew my entire life. If I was late, my parents were sitting in the living room waiting when I got home. I hated those encounters, so I was very rarely late. Set boundaries and follow through on the consequences. I remember a Saturday afternoon when I was a young teen. My dad was working in the back yard, he told me to do something (can’t remember what…pick up some limbs or something). I kept shooting basketball. The next thing I knew he was blistering my hamstrings with a switch. I didn’t resent him for it, because I knew I had chosen to disobey his simple request.
I’m trying to picture you with a rat tail now and it’s on a shade less creepy than the 80’s mullet version of you
On the specific issue of tattoos and piercings – I talk to my girls (8 and 10) about permanence, and the potential magnitude of a mistake if it’s something permanent. I actually don’t have a problem with discreet tattoos, and my girls know that — but not until they’re adults, and they know that, too. All of the “crazy” examples listed above (haircuts and clothing styles) are easily undone. You can leave those decisions behind and laugh about them later. I think that’s an important line that kids shouldn’t cross in their individual expression. Oh yeah, and they have to be covered in all the important places. Fortunately, that’s not a bridge I’ve come to yet, and knowing my girls and the community we’re in, I’m not sure I will.
As far as the more general concept of communicating boundaries (without speaking), I think I mostly agree with the commenter above – we need to set boundaries and follow through with consequences (which in my house do not include physical punishment). It lets the kids know that you are in fact their authority, that they do have accountability, and will need to answer for their decisions.
I also talk to my older daughter about the fact that she needs to “stop and think” – sometimes for a minute, sometimes for a day, sometimes for a week – before she takes action. Impulsiveness usually leads to disaster.
As hard as it is, I love parenting. Even moreso as they get older.
Suzanne (your old SGA secretary)
Hey Figurehead, that was another I forgot to mention. The curfew. Yes, I always had one and it’s funny but I had no problem keeping it. I knew they were serious and I really didn’t push it.
Suzanne, good input. The permanent aspect is important and also learning to take time to think. That alone would keep many of us from some really bad decisions. Of course, I’m the king of impulsive so it’s good advice for 35 year olds too.
Hm. Self expression is a hard one. I often think with tattoos and piercings that it’s not so much an effort to distinguish individuality, but more an effort to belong to a particular “tribe”: goth, alternative, punk, rocker, disaffected youth, etc. That raises questions as to how much as parents we have in the past, or will in the future, guide our children to feelings of belonging to a group, and how much effort we make to reaffirm the original tribe, the nuclear family, out to other tribes such as extended family, church, sports, art, culture.
My sun rises and sets on my girls and as they enter their teenage years, I encourage them to try anything that grabs their attention as long as it doesn’t involve things like witchcraft or cannibalism.
Hey, as a guy with 6 tattoos and counting, and formerly double pierced ears, it’s hard to deny them some things they want. So, although my wife and I maintain executive veto powers, we negotiate. When my oldest wanted to pierce her navel at 15, the trade off was no other piercings (save her ears)until 18. When my twins (12) wanted cartilage ear pierceing’s… well we haven’t reached the negotiation stage with them. I think we have a few years before they want to go beyond the ears. I am blessed. My girls are readers and thinkers, and as long as something won’t physically damage them or make their mother cry, I pretty much support anything they want to do.
Oh, and to oneiopen, and this is just for informational purposes, I have been getting ink for over twenty five years and I can honestly say that fitting in has never been a motivation. In fact, my tats have usually caused problems with the people I love most. But when I see something I like, I get it done. And no, I’ve never done the meathead, frat boy tribal stuff, zen letters, or barbed wire.
Scolai
I’d just like to make a comment to this; I am a 17 year old girl with 9 piercings on my face, a very good job and I’m busying studying Photography full time (working at an A grade standard). I also do Shotokan Karate for Great Britain and do freestyle dancing in a group with 3 other girls. My parents have no problem whats so ever with me getting piercings, dying my hair a million different colours and getting tattoos… because they know that it is not effecting the way I go on in my everyday life. I do not get my piercings to ‘fit into’ any groups, I get them because I like having them and because I can.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with ‘expressing’ yourself, especially not with piercings. They can all be removed when needed for a job, or school or anything like that. Let them have their childhood, surely you can understand, you were children once?
and you are so sure this guy in the picture isn’t raking in 60,000 a year running his own buisness offering a service to these kids who actually understand it for what it is? and appreciate it?
How important is money compared to happiness, and if the freedom to be able to express yourself in tattoo or body piercings is necessary to that, what is the problem?
I feel this blog is rather ignorant and bias, which saddens me in this day and age.
I bet you anything you like this gentleman, and that is what what he is, travels the country, works hard, pays his taxes, and doesnt drink, or even take drugs.
He certainly appears to know about the tattoo and piercing industry, and may even off implants or other specialist services, that people not only love, but pay well for.
hmm, in reply to oneiopen, “but more an effort to belong to a particular “tribe”: goth, alternative, punk, rocker, disaffected youth, etc”
thats rather biased i must say.
im an 18 year old girl, 16 piercings and couting, and ready for ink.
its not a fact of getting into a “tribe” as you put it, its not for rebellion, its the pure fact that if someone likes something, they do it, because they can.
pretty simple.
oneiopen, your name matches your views as you only look at it through your eyes, your beliefs and your opinon.
welcome to the real world i guess.
your gonna see and hear more shit like this from many people.
if you have children when your older etc,
they end up with all of this stuff, what will you say about it then ?
i bet you will support it and not say a bad word and be biased will you.
think about it yeh !?
I’m a little late responding to this one, but hey, Bill hasn’t blogged in a GOOD long while so what the heck. I just wanted to say that Paul, while it would be nice to believe everything in your comment above, the odds are against your analysis about the young man’s perceived success . I would also like to add that it is currently in vogue to value “happiness” over money, but when one grows older and has children, as is the situation of almost all of the people who have commented here, and the blogger himself, money becomes increasingly important, regardless of how we may have felt about it during our years of searching for freedom, happiness and individuality as youngsters. Before my girls were born, money was not very important to me either – I was all about trying to “find myself” and be truly happy. However, I have learned now (and it has become painfully obvious) that money buys security. When you have some money set aside for emergencies or have a good job that pays really well, financial “crises” (such as your heat & a/c crapping out in the heat of the summer or the cold of the winter, one of the cars breaking down, unexpected medical bills, etc.) actually become minor inconveniences rather than end-of-the-world-type crises. Until I can afford a good life insurace policy, continue to pay the bills, clothe my girls and put food on the table, let alone provide some seed money for their college careers and the like, life takes on an extremely uneasy tone, and actually leads me and my family down a path that leads directly away from anything resembling true “happiness”.